I'm reading this book right now called Women, Food and God that seemed to help some previous pcpers get some insight into their relationship with food and eating and things. And there's this quote in the book that says: "our relationship to food is an exact microcosm of our relationship to life itself." Had you asked me last week if I agreed with this, I would have said no way... my life is in chaos but my relationship to food is good. But if you changed the word food to pcp and asked me today if I agreed, I would say yes, a thousand times yes.
In order to go on, I'm going to have to do something that I haven't done this whole entire six weeks that we've been going down this path: be honest. Transparency requires a courageous honesty that frankly I just don't have in me to provide. I self-censor everything, all the time, for everyone. It's like if I don't tell the whole truth, the weight of the issues won't come crashing down on me. If I can save face and seem like I've got it all together, I won't have to admit that I'll failing miserably. I can say that things are hard because they are hard, or that the diet is going ok and that I like it because it usually is ok and I usually like it, or that I'm getting muscles because I am getting muscles. But to say that I've been slacking and to say that I've just stopped the exercise part for a majority or the last week or that this weekend I barely ate anything I was supposed to, well to say those things, is terrifying and brings me to the dark place that always seems to be hovering a few steps behind me.
Ok, so here goes. My pcp is rapidly becoming at risk for being a failure, just like most of what I've taken on in my life already is. I haven't worked out for five days or six days or four days, I can't really remember. I tried to yesterday but the exercises were too hard, so I quit. This weekend was also shitty for eating. We went to see friends and I packed a cooler with all my food in it, but then I . just . didn't . eat . it. I could blame it on spending all my time with my pregnant friend who has all these crazy cravings. But the fact of the matter is: I didn't say no to the chips and dip. I didn't stop after just a few. I just didn't. I could have. But I didn't.
I don't know if the cheating on the pcp brought on the darkness or the darkness led to the cheating, either way I can't shake this despair that I feel about the project and my life. PCP is a microcosm of life. I make it about half way and then I get distracted or lazy or just let up and the whole thing ends in failure or at least mediocrity. In this case, my attention turned to french onion dip and sitting on my ass. When the going gets hard, Haley gets going, just in the opposite direction. It happens so much it feels like destiny. Americorps job #1, things get hard / I don't feel like I'm making a difference -- think about quitting, cry all the time, end up finishing the year, but stop caring. University #2, science classes get hard -- don't study harder or get extra help, cry a lot, switch major to religion. Religion major, get distracted by millions of possible future plans -- start slacking majorly, lose inquisitiveness, still get ok grades but don't apply for grad school. Future career plans, start a whole bunch of applications and things -- abandon most of them, move home, take menial/boring/easy Americorps job # 2. Americorps job #2, feel like a loser for taking such slack ass, not big, not important, not well paying, not even real job -- don't put in any more effort than possible, don't really care, think about quitting to get interesting job, don't. 1st real job -- don't move away from home, don't apply to jobs outside of Cleveland, apply to many jobs, get two interviews, take first job offered, end up with job that a baby monkey could do (doesn't even require adult monkey skills or mental capacity), loathe self and life. And on and on. Start fail, start abandon, start give up, start fail, repeat ad infinitum. I know it's not, but it feels like a curse, or something in my genes, or something inescapable in my upbringing, or something like that. I know it's not, I'm just lazy and distractible, but damn if I don't wish I could just hunker down and finish something. It doesn't even have to be done spectacularly, just finished. What's wrong with me that there's the huge disconnect between the things that I aspire to and then things I can manage to get done? Where do these road blocks come from?
It's so embarrassing to write all this. To read your blogs and see your progress and read about how you struggle but press on, how you don't give up or cheat. It would have been easier to fade away, like it seems someone does almost every cohort, but I promised myself that I wouldn't do that. I knew from before I ever wrote to Patrick that there was a huge chance that I would be the girl that disappeared, who couldn't hack it. I won't do that, but I'm really not sure where to go from here. Do I start again today, with today's exercises, knowing that I won't be able to do the kung fu sit-ups, that I don't have a place to do the kung fu sit-ups, but with an inclination that I could probably slog through today's exercises and get close to the right number or reps, or do I go back; start from where I left off? And if I press on, what do I do about the things that I cannot do this weeks amount of, like the chest dips? And will I ever be able to move myself more than an inch or so on the chest dips?
I feel like I should be asking for your forgiveness and your permission to come back. I broke the pact that we made to work hard and support each other through this. If it's ok, I'd like to come back, I'd like to try again, and I'd like to be totally honest with you (although I don't know that I can absolutely guarantee that one).
You said that you don't want to fade away like people from other groups have done.
ReplyDeleteSo DON'T.
Stick to this.
It's awesome that you can be open about these past experiences and a past tendency to stop things rather than see them through.
But that's in the past.
Everybody has shitty days on PCP where they don't work as hard as they could. It is normal. But then you start a new day and try again.
I could never do the kung fu sit-ups right, but I kept trying. Did it piss me off and make me feel like a failure? Absolutely! Did I end up crying through an entire workout because I was mad that I'd let myself get into such a shape that these #$!* exercises were so damn hard? Yes, but I finished the workout, tears and all.
Don't worry about what comes next, just be in the moment.
Try as hard as you can with the exercise you're on. Grunt. Groan. Moan. Swear. Whatever helps you to say 'this is damn hard and in this moment I'm hating it, but whatever negative-self-talk, I'm doing this!
The worst that can happen is you don't give yourself the opportunity to see this through.
Just keep at it, Haley!
If you could see me right now, I would give you a standing ovation. Not because you're being honest with us, but because you're being honest with yourself. Consider this moment a pivotal moment in PCP and perhaps in life. You could quit, fade away, whatever, and we would not think less of you or dislike you, but what would you think?
ReplyDeleteHere's the thing, and I think you've realized this in your post. We are our own worst enemies. You are your own worst enemy. We don't judge you, Haley. We support you. We want to see you succeed, but YOU have to battle those demons inside of you. Whatever form that demon takes, give it a good drop kick, maybe an elbow to the nose and bury that bitch.
Modify the exercises if their too hard. Do the most that you can do and with each day, you'll make a little progress. This is a mountain you're climbing. If some rocks slip out from under you, grab anything and hold on, get your footing and keep sloggin' upwards, but more than anything, just keep sloggin'!
Bravo! You have so much courage! Everything you've written is muy muy difficult to share.
ReplyDeleteRegardless of the workouts and the ch-eating (which we've all done, except maybe Will and Sarah), you've been there for all of us to provide words of encouragement. That in itself is a form of success in the pcp cause we're accountable to each other.
you're being too hard on yourself. cheating is just a symptom of problems in a relationship. And we're all having problems with our primary relationship these days - the eff-ing pcp. Forgive yourself and do what you can. If you're worried about not succeeding, then some of your focus isn't on what you're doing. Patrick is right in that 90 days is a LONG time to be a badass.
I haven't made any progress on the pull-ups. Just the opposite. At the gym today, I just figured out that I've been going the wrong way with assistance. Hmmm... those 10 reps wasn't so bad, guess I'll add more weight. (You're supposed to decrease weight as they get easier.) No wonder I never reached failure.
i was wondering where you had gone! well done for being honest. that takes serious balls.
ReplyDeletei've had those thoughts! on the tough days, when ive had to cut the workout short or didnt have PCP food to hand....those destructive thoughts enter the mind so easily. "well i missed the workout yesterday, so there is no point in even trying today." or "i ate something with too much salt/oil (delete as appropriate) so i will never reach PCP in 90 days".
The way i see it, we PCPers all start from different places. Our "peak" is a very individual thing. I'll never be as strong as some. Or with as much stamina/energy as others. or as flexible etc etc. BUT at the end of 90 days, i will have reached "my" own little peak.
Sure, if i had stuck to the diet to the gram maybe "my peak" would be that little bit higher. Or if i had jumped every morning before showering maybe i would be in even better shape. The point is, the 90 days are finite and you can only do the best you can. Day 90 will come whether we like it or not, whether we drop out of PCP or not. All i know is that if i gave up now i would regret it forever.
Forget about past jobs and study. (what society thinks is a "good job" /good degree/good course for life means jack sh!t btw)
But this is about something different; it's about your body (and your mind); you only get one. I know I was taking mine for granted. I was effectively abusing my body; if someone was poisoning me or physically or mentally abusing me, they would be charged with a crime and locked up.
Oh man, this sounds sooooo cheesy (I am British, we are not accustomed to such displays of affection!) , but you just have to love yourself a bit. Love that you are giving your body healthy natural stuff that it can really use and building new muscle to keep it strong and protected.
As for pratical advice; I'd say just jump back in (but im sure patrick can give you the professional expert advice!). I, personally, would pick up as if i hadnt ever stopped, with some modifications if needed. Just do what you can, your body will catch up quickly. The first two days will SUCK, but then your energy levels will shoot back up.
pffffff I havent managed to do kung-fu sit ups either, and i dont have a bar yet. Does it mean im going to throw away the last 45 days of my hard work! no way! BE A STUBBORN BIATCH!!
I keep having to tell myself; "Louise, the world is not going to run out of ice-cream/honeycomb/serrano ham/chocolate/chips/mozzarella in the next 42 days". FANK GAWD! it will all still be there when we are done. And then we can worry about that when the times comes.......
Good post. Don't think too much. Pick up the rope and give a big FUCK YOU to all the habits and tics that pull you down. You can do this! Communicate with me about what's too difficult and we can modify. Just start on today's workout and lean on your team!~
ReplyDeleteHaley, kudos for writing this honest post. That's the hardest part!
ReplyDeleteOne thing I tell myself when I feel caught in bad cycles is this: I have complete control over what happens with this right now!
Even when you feel like you don't have that control, you really do. Training yourself to jump out of unhealthy cycles is a tough thing, but it's as much a part of the PCP training as the diet and the workouts (in my opinion). We're all going thru this in our own ways, so definitely please never feel alone in this!
ONWARDS!!!
I know I'm late getting here, but I also wanted to throw in my BRAVA for being so honest with yourself and with all of us. I know that wasn't easy.
ReplyDeleteI feel you, I really do. I'm great at starting new things but not so great at seeing them through. The PCP is one of the first long-ish things I've done that I haven't given up on. (Not that I haven't wanted to at times...) I've also learned that it isn't about being perfect, but about trying again after you mess up. So you've had a few off-program days. Okay, you can choose to get back on at any moment. The earlier you choose to get back on, the more benefit you'll see from it.
Don't fade away! I'm still going to be checking on you. :) We've all been where you've been and we're all rooting for you to succeed.
Dude - do NOT disappear!! You've worked too hard already to throw in the towel, even though you may not think you have. Yes, we've all slipped, we've all fallen down (see: unlawful m&m ice cream consumed today) - but we've also achieved certain things that we didn't think we could do! Right now, you've already achieved the hardest part, which was writing this post. Getting back to the workouts and diet will happen too. Just breathe (as you reminded me a few days ago) and know that we've got your back. Team Badass would definitely be the worse-er without you!!
ReplyDeleteHaley -- i know i'm a stranger here poking into what is obviously some really difficult stuff. Thanks for your courage and honesty. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you are one of those faces that convinced me I should do the PCP, too (i'm on Day 18 -- i just stumbled on your post b/c Will works with my hubby & that's how we first heard of the program..)! Anyways, it was kind of intimidating to review most people's blogs and find so many practicing yogis & martial artists. Your gardening pic and rebel tatoo made me smile and convinced me that peak condition isn't about already fit people going above and beyond the call of duty, but rather about everyday people trying to become the best people they can be.
ReplyDeleteI guess that's also what i'm reading in this post, too. the struggle is honest and raw and therefore so much more powerful than you walking away from this project a weight lifter. it sounds like this is you going through another version of what you've been through before and VERY similar to what I've been going through for the last several months trying to finish my grad degree. for me, it's something like low-self-esteem & perfectionism leading to less than perfect outcomes and resulting in self-hate leading to inaction & procrastination... it can feel like an endless cycle. but finding the little places to break in and be affirming helps slow it all down enough for me to re-engage enough to celebrate a teeny success and stack on another tiny one -- so the up-side is that there's an opposite cycle, too!
when i write with honesty like this, the writing is enough to make me feel better. if you're like me the responses won't really mean much, especially the ones insisting you just get through it. feeling that sense of accomplishment is vital, but more important is learning to be kind to yourself. i'm still trying to learn that lesson and i hope that you can forgive yourself for the slip up and be kind to yourself as you transition back in.
if this comment was unwelcome, i apologize. know that i'm really proud of your accomplishments whether you jump back on the PCP or not. I wish you the best and hope very much that you'll stay on, so i can keep learning from your experience.
warm fuzzies,
nathaly