I'm just sad. For as good as I feel, I still feel bad about my body. I feel like I saw a ton of changes during the first month or month and a half, but nothing much has happened since then. Everyone else has had these massive changes and while I definitely have had some change, I'm still fatter than what everyone else started out as. I was really afraid before this started that I would be the fat girl and everyone else would be so much better than me, and it's true I'm the fat girl, although I think I do as decently at the exercises as everyone else. I just feel like I have so much farther to come and that when I get released back into the wild, so to speak, next week that whatever I've got won't be enough to keep things from rolling backwards and then I'll be just as heavy as before. In better shape, but just as chubby. It's not like all this effort is for naught, it's just I would like to be able to buy some pants without it being a fucking emotional nightmare.
Monday, September 20, 2010
82. Not feelin' it...
my body that is. PCP things are good. But I'm just feeling blah about my body. I know that Patrick told me not to look at it til the last day, but Jordan needed pants and I needed clothes so we ended up at the outlet mall to go to the Levis outlet. I was pretty excited about getting some new jeans, as my one pair have holes in the thighs (they had just started when pcp started, if only I had been with Team Sexxay, maybe my pants would still be in good shape). We walked in and I knew this wasn't going to go well as sometimes all the outlet has are juniors pants in any of the styles I would be interested in, such was the case this time. I figured I should still be able to find a pair that was ok, just to tide me over, but no, every single pair I tried on was wretched. I know that it was just the teenage girl cuts, but I looked awful in every single pair I tried on, if I could get them on in the first place. Some more strike outs at a few different stores and all that time in front of full length mirrors and I was feeling pretty bad. Then we went to a concert. The concert was at Oberlin College, which if you're not familiar with it seems like it recently has become the college for rich, little hipsters to go if their parents are willing to spend $50,000 a year for them to practice looking contemptuous at everyone except their friends and to learn four syllable words to tell people you think you're smarter/cooler than them . The show was filled with more 18 year old girls wearing spandex than gymnastics meet. They were all there being tiny and pretentious and I was there feeling like a whale, an old, boring whale.
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Hi from the other "fat girl". Seriously, juniors ANYTHING is not going to be a good thing, and you know that. I've had a lot of success recently with Banana Republic and Ann Taylor. Not sure if you like their clothes but they're cut better for someone with curves. I also found these awesome jeans at TJ Maxx, Bill Blass "Dream Jeans" - they've got a little bit of elastic in the back of the waist so it doesn't gap. I'm guessing you have the same problem I do, if the pants fit your hips and butt then they're too big in the waist. I'm not recommending "elastic waist" pants but there are now more stores making pants with some elastic in the back so it actually hugs you instead of gapping back there.
ReplyDeleteNow, onto the issue of how much your body has changed or not. I also had a hard time with seeing the other (amazing) women in my group, who I thought were already in pretty good shape when we started, starting to look really buff when I was just shrinking and getting some definition in my arms. I didn't finish the PCP looking like a superhero, but I'm a much improved version of myself. I'm still figuring out how to maintain and even continue my progress without the formal "program," but I'm trying not to focus on what I feel like I haven't done, and rather focus on how much I've accomplished. It's just going to take me (and you) a bit longer. Or maybe a lot longer. Whatever.
I know it's hard. I spent a lot of time being mad about how far I had let myself go in the wrong direction, and resenting the amount of work I had to do when my gorgeous teammates just firmed up beautifully. But what are the choices? Be pissed off about it and do nothing and watch it get worse, or be pissed off and do something that actually improves the situation. You're doing an amazing job, and you're growing more than you know.
boooooo. i think its fair to say, everyone hates shopping for jeans. tru' fact. and the mirrors in outlet stores are NEVER flattering.
ReplyDeleteyou are not that girl! you are the rock star that can do a firefighter workout and still go home and rock a pcp workout. that has her own garden and is encouraging the people she lives with to eat more healthily. that could struggle with PCP during the valley, and not only get herself back on track, but then open a can of whoop ass on her team-mates to buck up their ideas and make more of an effort!!!!!!
i know its hard to see when you are feeling down, but this is what i see, and im sure everyone else does.
also, i feel the 90 days is a nice, long enough time period to make significant progress. but i also see it as a springboard. it's the start of the new normal! you can take this anywhere you want to now.......dont fear it. one day at a time.
Hi Haley and Tara, me three on the castigating myself for letting it get so bad that I won't be ripped even at the end of this sucker. But it really helps to be shrinking, and to have a new relationship with food and exercise. Plus, with all your firefighting workouts, you know you'll continue on the path. Tara, how is after-PCP going for you?
ReplyDeleteFor clothes, I find that Gap is actually making jeans that work for me. They don't work for very long because the material is thin, but they're cheap enough to be disposable in a few months (when I amortize the cost on a per-hour basis, they're really really cheap!). Try the Curvy ones, and (in a size larger) the Sexy Boot cut, which really pulls in at the waist.
omg kim. i love it. "when i amortize the cost". finance by any chance? accountant? LOVE IT.
ReplyDeleteHi Sister,
ReplyDeleteI also feel that the best change was within the first 45 days. I look at myself ~45 day and last PIC set, almost the same, also the weight the same. Bit disapointed, but I know I will continue on my own PCP version on things.
By the way, if you would try to finds cloth in Japan it is even worth than that, they have xxs (extra extra SMALL)
you are not measured by the 90 day, ping me a year from today, lets talk than
No.1 - how many pushups did you do in one session of firefighting class? 75? that's insane. I dont think any of us have ever done that many, EVER. no one wants to be a junior twig running around in spandex. They would snap easily and being strong is way better. btw, I have yet to meet an 18-year-old I didn't want to smack upside the head.
ReplyDeleteNo. 2 - you have been changing! Not all of the changes are gonna be visible. It's definitely the stuff that goes on between our ears that matters. The rest will follow. SERIOUSLY.
No. 3 - The stores are full of crap. A friend of a friend is a "fit" model. I didn't understand what that meant at first. I thought she was just in shape. It turns out she's the model for a particular size. She is 5-10 and 120 or something equally ridiculous, and they used her body as a size 4. can you imagine how ludicrous the body proportions are?
Oh haley, try not to judge yourself too harshly. LKR to yourself please! I wish we could wear each others' lenses when we see ourselves. i see you as someone who's lost a ton of weight and been amazing/inspiring. it's so hard to pick yourself up when you wanna give up and you did that. Not to mention you rallied team Badass.
Side note: my mom didn't even notice that i lost 15 pounds and gained muscle. When I came home one year from college, mom was following me in the house (back when you could still walk through it) and said "Your thighs are so big." All that to say is that even the ones that are supposed to care about us can be inadvertently mean so please be nice to yourself and don't judge yourself too harshly.
oh hell, i HATE shopping for jeans too - it's an exercise in demoralization no matter how you slice it.
ReplyDeletehaley, i quite honestly think that you are the strongest among us. i can't tell you how much i admire your honesty and your willingness to share all that you've shared on your blog. when you fell off the wagon briefly in the middle, my heart ached for you. and when you came back swinging, i was jumping up and down cheering for you - and still am! your PCP journey has been a total inspiration to me...and that's not to mention your "extra-curricular" activities. dude, i could not IMAGINE doing the firefighting classes PLUS the workouts!! i can barely manage taking a yoga class on top of the daily PCP stuff. you are transforming yourself into one incredibly strong woman, inside and out.
as for the body image stuff...well, as you can see from my blog, we all have these issues, no matter our body type. yes, it sucks to feel this way - but YOU are not defined by your body. YOU are much much more than your body - and, btw, we've all seen big changes in your body this entire time.
just the simple exercise of blogging out my whiny, negative body complaints has helped to diminish them - i hope your post does the same for you.
Ditto what everyone else said. I mostly just want you to know that I'm here following you and supporting you. You have the strength to continue this into the future and you WILL continue to see your body change. I just did 3 pull-ups this morning. 3!! The 90 day mark is only the beginning.
ReplyDeleteYou're always welcome to visit me in Florida and we can make fun of all the annoying undergrad ladies together. We have 10's of thousands of them here in Gainesville!
The first 10-20 pounds are freebies. The last 10-20 are very tough. You're doing GREAT! Patience and consistency will get you where you want to be, don't rush and BE NICE TO YOURSELF!
ReplyDelete