82. Not feelin' it...

my body that is. PCP things are good. But I'm just feeling blah about my body. I know that Patrick told me not to look at it til the last day, but Jordan needed pants and I needed clothes so we ended up at the outlet mall to go to the Levis outlet. I was pretty excited about getting some new jeans, as my one pair have holes in the thighs (they had just started when pcp started, if only I had been with Team Sexxay, maybe my pants would still be in good shape). We walked in and I knew this wasn't going to go well as sometimes all the outlet has are juniors pants in any of the styles I would be interested in, such was the case this time. I figured I should still be able to find a pair that was ok, just to tide me over, but no, every single pair I tried on was wretched. I know that it was just the teenage girl cuts, but I looked awful in every single pair I tried on, if I could get them on in the first place. Some more strike outs at a few different stores and all that time in front of full length mirrors and I was feeling pretty bad. Then we went to a concert. The concert was at Oberlin College, which if you're not familiar with it seems like it recently has become the college for rich, little hipsters to go if their parents are willing to spend $50,000 a year for them to practice looking contemptuous at everyone except their friends and to learn four syllable words to tell people you think you're smarter/cooler than them . The show was filled with more 18 year old girls wearing spandex than gymnastics meet. They were all there being tiny and pretentious and I was there feeling like a whale, an old, boring whale.

I'm just sad. For as good as I feel, I still feel bad about my body. I feel like I saw a ton of changes during the first month or month and a half, but nothing much has happened since then. Everyone else has had these massive changes and while I definitely have had some change, I'm still fatter than what everyone else started out as. I was really afraid before this started that I would be the fat girl and everyone else would be so much better than me, and it's true I'm the fat girl, although I think I do as decently at the exercises as everyone else. I just feel like I have so much farther to come and that when I get released back into the wild, so to speak, next week that whatever I've got won't be enough to keep things from rolling backwards and then I'll be just as heavy as before. In better shape, but just as chubby. It's not like all this effort is for naught, it's just I would like to be able to buy some pants without it being a fucking emotional nightmare.